It took me many years to realize that I am not perfect. That there were some defunct things buried deep in my heart and my mind that have gotten in the way of my happiness, and as a result I’d find myself in identical situations when it came to relationships. Now this is not a confession to specific wrongdoing or admittance of fault in every one of my past relationships, it is more of a self-analysis, a breakthrough of sorts which came to light after quite a few years of being single, not to mention enough shadow work to shade a well-lit football stadium.
I have always considered myself to be a “smart” person. Mainly because I am a problem solver with very good reasoning skills. People in my circle notice these qualities in me as well because that is the face that I wear. It became clear to me that after so many years of complimentary ego-boosting, it has simply become part of my being. Emotional programming coded deep into my DNA. The problem with this programming is similar to the problems that affected the Terminator, Meagan and any other constructed character, the intelligence is artificial.
What does this mean?
In short, it means that there is a lack of emotional intelligence. It is a matter of having mastered the ability to respond with your head, but not with your heart.
We’re talking relationships here!
So when you do something, or react to a situation in a relationship, it effects the other person in the relationship. When you lack emotional intelligence, it becomes so much easier to say, “Get over it so we can move past it”, regardless of how the other person truly feels. Emotionally Un-intelligent people quickly assess the situation, tally up the damage, and place a time limit on the issue. This issue should take about three days for you to get over, and by the way, you are not permitted to get overly emotional, because I’m not that emotional about it, and it is NOT THAT SERIOUS.
I hope that this makes sense because it is as real as it gets.
I think a common misconception in relationships is that emotionally unintelligent people, are intentionally cold-hearted and selfishly lack true presence. Nothing can be further from the truth! The truth is that the lack of surface emotion comes from years and years of denying the emotional ebb-and-flow that comes with relationships. In short, you never actually learn how to deal with your broken self, your broken heart, your disappointments, your anger, your ability to be wrong, your ability to be humble, your ability to accept responsibility, your ability to forgive and be forgiven. In the end it leaves you with an exterior of stone, and a heart of silly putty to the point where your mind rules your relationships, and your heart becomes a silent partner, without a true voice in the emotional context .
The problem here is that when your heart finally does speak out, it goes on a tangent. It is either, a pain-riddled plea for another chance, or a declaration of ultimate sacrifice. Sadly, there is no middle ground because the emotionally unintelligent person has denied himself so many experiences, so much information, that he is the child in class who is not prepared to move forward alongside his peers. His ability to have tough discussions become compromised. We are almost impossible to confront because the other persons truths are of no real consequence because this has to work this way. It is not a chauvinistic ego problem, it is because unfortunately the skin of the unemotionally unintelligent person’s heart is so fragile, that it begins to bruise and tear as soon as the threat of heartbreak or disappointment arises. The entire world freezes on that moment and nothing else in the world is as important as not feeling that suppressed pain. They die a little bit on the inside mainly because they can’t understand why it has to be this way. Why does the world have to end? Why do I have to accept it?
Does this even sound remotely like you?
There is a strong possibility that you are NOT as tough as you force yourself to be. Deep down you are very much aware of this nature, but until now you have not had a reason to address it. I’ll give you a reason so that you can move forward. How about Normalcy? How about Growth? How about the ability to sustain a meaningful relationship? How about _____________? (Insert your own reason)
Now that you have a justifiable reason, what do you do about it?
I can tell you this much. You wouldn’t dive into deep water without the ability to swim right? Of course not. But that is what happens when someone lacking emotional intelligence enters relationships. Once you identify yourself this way, you can begin to grow, and in many cases repair. I believe that shadow work is essential. Spend some time with yourself, by yourself, doing the painfully informative work that may help you get to the root of your issues. If you are lucky, you may even be able to trace it back to the core relationship or issue. Below please find a video that I made which helped me to get started on my shadow work journey.
I hope that it helps.
Thank you for taking the time.
It was a pleasure.
With love,
Brett
I'm Free To Be Over 50 