Dealing with Disrespectful People #12

This blog post came about as I found myself on the receiving end of a disrespectful situation over the weekend and in that moment I had to hit pause. Standing outside of myself but totally in control of what happens next. I think at some point we all find ourselves in that moment where everything is telling us to react. But the problem with reacting to situations, especially ones where we feel disrespected, is that too often we react in kind, meaning we want to return the same energy, with equal or greater measure. We escalate, we turn up, we go off.

Why?

One reason is because disrespectful energy tends to feel more intentional than by chance. As the receivers of this negative energy, or simply put, being on the receiving end of disrespect, the way we manage our reactions determine the kind of person we are.

I watched an interview where Mike Tyson said when speaking about forgiveness and the young man said, “When someone does me wrong I cut ties…”

Mike Tyson interrupted the man, and said, “…and the devil wins. He changed you.  So he’s your master because he controls your emotions. He’s not your enemy, he’s your master. Because you’re not who you used to be now. Because he stole that away from you.”

Remember when you were a child and at some point in your childhood someone told you not to let someone disrespect you. As a man, I’ve heard that all my life.

I had to sit back and think about this one because for most people the answer changes based on who you feel is being disrespectful because you would not handle disrespect from your child the same way that you handle disrespect from a woman, or from another joe on the street.

Take a child for example.

When a child is being disrespectful, its serious because they’re acting out, and given that children are the most defenseless among us, you cant react to a child the way that you may feel inside. When my son threatens to be disrespectful, I am quick to get an explanation because it’s his health that is at stake! Its like youre picking a fight with someone who is clearly more skilled, why?

I also need these answers because as a parent, I feel as if I have sacrificed a huge amount of myself, my love, time and damn sure my money investing into him, pouring into him, nurturing him,  teaching him, Im like how dare you, of all people, make a conscious decision to disrespect me. Im the wind beneath your wings boy, you’d better get your mind right.

But if that child is acting out of character, where did it come from because it almost always stems from another situation that sometimes buried deep inside. As adults we have more outlets than children and can express ourselves, and act out, in more defining and self-destructive ways.  As children, given a safe environment, there are only a few ways of acting out within their means, and if you’re paying attention you can see it coming, and have the conversation, or series of conversations to get to the root of why a child is choosing disrespect, especially when they know that they’re taking their health into their hands by being disrespectful to their parents. Remember, we are responsible for our children’s mental health as well as their physical health.

That’s enough about the rug rats, lets move on to the adults because this is where the real bullsh*t occurs. 

As adults were are of sound mind and body, and are to be held responsible for our actions, legally and morally. So when an adult chooses disrespect against another adult, rest assured that it is intentional.

Defining disrespect as an adult is simple, an intentional act or phrase that attempts to intentionally degrade, humiliate or otherwise trigger a negative outward respond. No Webster dictionary needed for that.

Another example, a man jumps in another mans face and calls him a MFB in front of his girl, his friends and his family. That’s an extreme example of disrespect because those are fighting words right there. Right?

Perhaps…

But reaction is so often a learned behavior, society, the hood, television, movies, all say, punch his ass out right?

But are we thinking for ourselves at that point.

This is what I mean. Lets take this same situation and think for ourselves. Lets say that the aggressor is a short, skinny, funny-looking, drunk, and obviously outmatched both physically and mentally. (shout out to the skinny , short people)  Do you still feel disrespected? Sure.

But do still feel the need to prove the obvious to a room full of people. I get the image of the man being disrespected wearing a nice suit with a lovely lady by his side, surrounded by friends and family, and this guy wanders in off the street, he’s lost in the world, lost in his own skin. Perhaps very sad. Perhaps unloved. Grief-stricken even.

I would be more disappointed in myself for not being man enough to show mercy and compassion. Michael Jordan at the top of his career surely didn’t feel the need to prove to anyone that he could dunk a basketball.

We are the Michael Jordans of our own lives. We should see ourselves as the greatest player of all time, and if we don’t, we should be doing the work to get there mentally and physically because self-love is not just for us, its for those we love. They can see it in us, they can literally feel the love that we have for ourselves. And of course this especially important for our children to see.

His conversation has gotten so deep. I didn’t know we would be diving this deep on this one but I like it here. SO here it where it gets deeper.   

Let’s talk about disrespect as it relates to our more physical relationships because that is huge for men and I am certain that it is huge for women. When were hurt, when were feeling vulnerable, insecure, angry and yes disrespected, we tend to act out. Much like the child acting out to get their parents attention, and express themselves the only way that is within their means.

I will say it right now, Ive known some downright disrespectful women in my day. Would pull names but I will say that, ive been disrespected to the point where I had to wonder who the fuck raised her, so when that person turns on you, disrespects you, mishandles you, there is no way to fix that. I require respect. Im not that type of person who allows a woman to raise her voice in anger to me let along curse me out, mainly because I don’t do those things. I don’t put out that energy, nor do I do things that require a woman disrespecting me. The rule here is, if we cant communicate without yelling and fighting, we are choosing the wrong time to communicate. It is one of the boundaries that I establish early in relationships.

Sh*t, I’m a Scorpio, and the bite is real. You must be careful with my kind because there are a lot of things in our nature that come with dating a Scorpio; passive aggression, anger, moodiness, and undying love. When dating a Scorpio man expected to be love and hated very hard.

SO with all of that being said, I have had to grow, and heal myself from many situations. When my love and my passion was so overwhelming that it was at some point taken for granted, and for some, having your love taken for granted is some disrespectful sh*t.

So in closing I’ll say this.     

We all have to set boundaries. Some people are able to deal with more than others. You have to know yourself, how you are built, and what you can or cant deal with a set a hard line there. Make it clear and stick to your word when it comes to disrespect, because when you say you don’t allow people to disrespect you, or this will happen…when they disrespect you….and you don’t make good on the boundary that you set…it will happen again…and again…and again.

I linked this video below if you would like to check it out an extended version on YouTube.

I want to thank you for spending your time.

ImFreeToBe

BT Bonner

and I will see you next time.

Peace.