Stop Dumbing Down for ‘Bucks!

It’s finally Friday.

I go through my Friday routine with vigor as I anticipate the end of another work week, and hopefully the start to an amazing weekend. My brother hates *bucks so it is usually the last option when we ride together. I pull into a gas station so that he can grab a cup of mud from there. Of course, they are at the end of their carafe, so there was nothing to gain except a cup of middy decaf. That’s an easy NO! So we head to the overpriced coffee green giant as we are certain that they will at least have coffee.

This is where it gets good…OR BAD…for the Bonner boys.

Now, we walk into *bucks and it is empty, which is a refreshing change considering that the entire world has bought into the idea of $6 coffee. I order a large Sumatra, and my brother, a medium. The nice lady behind the counter quickly rings us up and collects the arm and the leg for two coffee’s, or, the cost of a small coffeemaker.

I pay, and we wait!

I watch as the nice lady turns her back to us and begins pouring the concentrate into our cups. She then adds water.

WAIT!!!!

When did *bucks go instant? More importantly, why?

My guess is that it is more cost efficient for them and eliminates waste as they clearly understand that NO ONE wants old coffee, especially at coffeemaker prices.

After pouring our thick, dark unstirred, unblended coffee, the last stresses three times, “It’s so hot, it will burn your skin right off. Be careful. It’s hot! So hot, it will burn your skin right off!”

We completely understand at this point.

One she has safely placed our expensive cups of concentrate into sleeves, she asks, “Do you fellas want sugar or cream?”

We both look around for the self serve area where you can tear open sugar packets, RAW sugar packets, zero calorie sweeteners, sift through stirrers to find the perfect one, grab napkins and straws.

She obviously noticed our confusion, so she says, “Oh we do that for you?

Well this is totally unacceptable. Any self-respecting coffee drinker knows that no one short of an experienced wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend or family member has the knowledge necessary to meet my individual coffee needs.

My brother says, “Cream and Sugar”.

She asks, “How many sugar packets?”

My brother says, “Ten”.

She gives us a diabetic look, and we laugh. He is being passive aggressive because he KNOWS that it is almost impossible for her to add the correct amount of cream and sugar short of allowing him to taste the coffee, which is hot enough to burn his skin off. I’m sure that includes his lips.

I ask for four packets of RAW.

She grabs them, then asks, “Would you like for me to put them in for you?”

I bite back the acid remark in the tip of my tongue, shake my head no, and finally mutter, “No thank you. I can do that.”

At this point, I am just trying to keep from going on a rant about coffee etiquette as well as *bucks cost saving measures that have completely ruined my experience, and the brand itself.

Neither of us taste our coffee as we were clearly warned not to drink it. So we drive to his barber shop in silence, two overpriced cups sitting in the cup holder of my van with a whiff of white smoke dancing from the lid.

We get to the shop, sit down and start talking. We both take our first sip of coffee, and it was our last sip.

We left both cups sitting there.

Terrible!!!

Happy Friday and f*ck you *bucks…ITS OVER!

Brett